Pizza and Teddy Roosevelt
Five years ago, three members of WASAW
spent their lunch hour
engaged in a pizza eating contest. Kid Nougat looks back fondly on all
the cheese,
sauce, dough and glory that slipped through his fingers that day.
Typically, come pizza time, two slices does it for you. Two regular slices – the ones from a large pie. At times, you’ve polished off three, but not too often. Three make you feel bloated. You realize bloated is about to become an understatement. How many will you have to eat? Can you quit after four and not look like a lightweight? Like a punk? How’d you get into this situation in the first place? No matter, now. You’re committed.
You skip breakfast. You’re nice and hungry as the contest begins. The first slice? Delicious! So’s the second. Surprisingly, so’s the third. You take baby sips of Diet Coke. Can’t be filling up precious stomach space with soda.
Holy crap! You notice Sir Snackalot! He’s a full slice ahead! It’s demoralizing. With every new slice you finish, you’ll always be a slice behind. You try not to psyche yourself out. Again, Diet Coke. Baby sips.
The crowd makes wise cracks. Gagging sounds. You tune ‘em out.
You’ve eaten six slices of pizza. How disgusting! You feel like a fat fool! You’re six feet, one-seventy, but you feel like a fat fool! Will you be six feet, two-ten by the time it’s over? Two-thirty? Three hundred? Come poop time, will your butt explode? You can’t worry about it. You’re too far in. Snackalot’s finished his seventh slice. You gotta push forward.
Whoa! Paddy O’Poppycock’s dropped out! Six slices and done! It’s a two-man race! You can do it! Maybe Snackalot won’t be able to finish his eighth slice. It you can eat awhole pie, you’ll win! You’ve past the point of saving face – you may actually win!
You think of Shakespeare’s King John. You think of Act II, Scene 1. “For courage mounteth with occasion.” Yeah, baby! You’ve got the courage, and this is the occasion! You can do it! You can totally do it!
No you can’t. Snackalot wins by a slice. 9-8.
You’re an oily, cheesy fool. OCF – that’s you. Is it any consolation you’ve eaten a whole pie? Can you feel good about eating what you’d previously thought impossible? No. No. You’ve eaten a whole pie – for nothing. You’ve lost. You’re a fat loser. You’re a fat loser! You just ate a whole pie for nothing!
Years later, you write about it. You write to find a point. Why did you eat a whole pie? And then suddenly, just like that, you have it. Writing was worth it. You have the quote…
“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”
Teddy Roosevelt, baby. Teddy’s got your back. Here’s to pizza and Teddy Roosevelt!
Kid Nougat's
snack reviews
Snyder's Mini Pretzels
Hershey's S'mores
Yodels
Reese's Fast Break
Willy Wonka Bottle Caps
Skybar
Harmony Snacks Swiss Mix
Stauffer's Ginger Snaps
Hot Tamales
Good & Plenty
Basil's Macaroon Cookies
Ruger Chocolate-Flavored, Sugar Free, Reduced Fat Wafers
Mars Bar
Zero Candy Bar
Joyva Joys
Mr. Goodbar
Hershey's Kisses
SunMaid Raisins
Peanut Butter M&Ms
Knott's Berry Farm Raspberry Shortbread Cookies
Mike and Ike COOL KIDS
Hershey's Whatchamacallit