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Zero
OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW
Snack Committee
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Reviewed By: Kid Nougat Location: Tony's Quik-Stop, Bronx, New York OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK: WEIGHT: 1.85 oz. DESCRIPTION OF SNACK: SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10): 7.0 (A perfect passing grade. No more, no less.) |
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UPSIDE:
Zeros are nice alternatives to your tried-and-true favorites. I mean, really, how many Snickers can you eat?
DOWNSIDE:
It's a nasty-looking snack. Can you say, "polar bear droppings?"
1ST 4 INGREDIENTS:
Sugar
Corn Syrup
Fractionated, Partially Hydrogenated Palm Kernel Oil (I prefer FULLY hydrogenated, but that's just me.)
Nonfat Milk
LAST 4 INGREDIENTS:
Hydrolyzed Soy Protein
Artificial Flavorings
Cocoa Butter
Mono and Diglycerides
PACKAGING:
Silver and white, with a touch of sky-blue. Lamely charming. The wrapper looks like an Ed Wood movie poster. And "Zero" SOUNDS like a Wood film. ("Plan Zero From Outer Space" was Wood's working title - honest! And "9" is just a zero with a curly tail, don't you think?)
DO I RECOMMEND YOU TRY THIS YOURSELF? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):
Yes I do. Zero's the perfect choice when looking to break your snacking routine. And it's soft and chewy, so it won't break your teeth as you break your routine!
HOW CAN THIS PRODUCT BE IMPROVED?
By taking a page from "Schoolhouse Rock" and renaming the bar "Zero, My Hero."
IF YOU ADD THIS SNACK TO ORRIN HATCH'S* AGE, DOES HE GET ANY OLDER?
No. Adding zero to ANY number always leaves the same number you started with. Stay in school, kids, and say "no" to drugs. And snack on!
*Republican Senator from Utah.
ZERO SNACK REVIEW BONUS!
Enjoy this letter from reader Dave M.:
When I was a kid in the '60's, Zero bars were supposed to be eaten frozen - you bought them at room temperature, popped them in the freezer and ate them later. It didn't change the taste much, and you had a higher risk of breaking your teeth, but it was "cool". That's where we figured the name "ZERO" came from : zero degrees.
- Dave
