OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT

Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee

Reviewed By: Kid Nougat Location: A&P Future Store, New Rochelle, New York OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK: Mars Chocolate Almond Bar PRICE: $.60 WEIGHT: 1.76 oz. DESCRIPTION OF SNACK: A CHOCOLATE-ALMOND ORGASM! Man, do I love Mars bars! I was in a D'Agostino's once. Just one Mars bar at the checkout counter. An old woman on line in front of me - she must've been about 90 - picked it up and wanted to buy it. I hit her over the head with a canteloupe. I've no regrets - IT'S JUST SO FRIGGIN' TASTY! Each delicious Mars bar measures 9.5 centimeters in length, 3 centimeters in width, and 2 centimeters in depth. The chocolate coating is artistically arranged in that back-and-forth flowing thing you always see in commercials where they pour chocolate. Man, it's so de-LISH! I should've hit that old lady TWICE! SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10): 9.9 (To find out why it's not a perfect 10, see "HOW CAN THE PRODUCT BE IMPROVED?")

UPSIDE:

Any snack with the word "orgasm" in its description needs no "UPSIDE" explanation. Know what I mean?

DOWNSIDE:

Don't make me laugh.

1ST 4 INGREDIENTS:

Milk Chocolate
Almonds
Corn Syrup
Sugar

LAST 4 INGREDIENTS:

Salt
Egg Whites
Soy Protein
Artificial Flavor (again, don't make me laugh - there's no need for artificial flavor here, baby!)

PACKAGING:

On the money. "Mars" is written across the wrapper baseball-style - it actually reminds me of the New York Mets home jersey. Red on beige color scheme... Risky, but it works.

DO I RECOMMEND YOU TRY THIS YOURSELF? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):

I said "orgasm," right?

SHOULD YOU BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND / BOYFRIEND / FIANCE(E) / WIFE / HUSBAND IF THEY DON'T LIKE THIS SNACK?

Without hesitation.

HOW CAN THIS PRODUCT BE IMPROVED?

Whole almonds are encased in the nougat. A tad too crunchy for my taste. If the almonds were ground into crumbs and evenly distributed throughout the nougat, I'd be naked with a Mars bar right now.

 

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