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Reese's Fast Break

OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee

Reviewed By: Kid Nougat Location: Freshly Stocked Vending Machine -Stamford, CT OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK: Reese's Fast Break PRICE: $.75 WEIGHT: 2 oz. DESCRIPTION OF SNACK: Essentially a candy bar version of a peanut butter cup, sans crunch. You’re looking at just over four inches of chocolatey, peanut-buttery, nougaty goodness. SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10):  8.51 (It’s a tad better than an eight-and-a-half.) UPSIDE: The whole chocolate and peanut butter thing. Any wedding of chocolate and peanut butter is well worth attending, unless of course the best man is some jerk named Rhino who owes you forty bucks and always calls you “Chief.” DOWNSIDE: Something about this candy bar makes me feel like I’m mainlining a sugar shake. It’s like speed on crack. After I eat one, I can’t stop twiddling my fingers and tapping my feet. Playing air drums against your will makes you look like a doof. Correction: Make that SUPER-doof. Hey, as downsides go, though, no biggie. There are worse things in life. Take Figaroo’s hairdo for example.

Fast Break image stolen from Mike's Candy Bar Wrapper Page How nice - Mike must be like us.

1ST 4 INGREDIENTS:

Milk Chocolate
Peanuts
Sugar
Corn Syrup

LAST 4 INGREDIENTS:

Egg Whites
Cocoa
Glycerin
TBHQ, a preservative
(For you hardcore science buffs out there, click HERE and find out everything you ever wanted to know about TBHQ. I didn’t read far enough to figure out what the acronym stands for, so I just call it “Tampa Bay Headquarters.”)

PACKAGING:

Slick and bright. The cheery color combo of yellow and orange ensure more than a passing glance. “Fast Break” is tilted to the right, bending to the speed of the flying candy bar, which is launched by a blue streak. Pretty cool. (Speaking of “blue streaks,” check out the Martin Lawrence film of the same name – funny stuff!)

DO I RECOMMEND YOU TRY THIS YOURSELF? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):

I do – especially if you’re a peanut butter fan.

WHICH SOUTH PARK CHARACTER WOULD LIKE IT BEST?

Butters. (Peanut Butter? Butters? Get it?)

IS THE NAME OF THIS SNACK ALSO THE NAME OF A MOVIE STARRING MR. KOTTER (GABE KAPLAN)?

It is! In 1979, Gabe Kaplan of "Welcome Back, Kotter" fame starred as David Greene in “Fast Break,” a not-bad comedy about a New York basketball enthusiast who lands a coaching job at a small Nevada college. Check out its awesome tagline: “Gabe Kaplan's having a ball! His dream team's got a preacher, a jailbird, a pool shark, and a muscleman. And the best guy on the team is a girl!” (For my dough, the Academy grossly overlooked Mavis Washington’s performance as "Swish."  The Best Supporting Actress that year was Meryl Streep in “Kramer vs. Kramer.” What the hell is THAT all about?)

HOW CAN THIS PRODUCT BE IMPROVED?

A Fast Break just cries out for texture. It needs nuts or something. Something to make it crunchy. It’s a bit too creamy and pasty. It’s kind of like eating peanut butter straight out of the Jif jar. Plus, as Kid Nougat, I’m a tough judge of nougat, so, although probably passable to the less discerning palette, Fast Break’s nougat leaves a lot to be desired by Yours Truly. It tastes more like marshmallow fluff than high-quality nougat. (Consider that last sentence an *Official Kid Nougat Smackdown.)

*Sanctioned by WASAW. Not to be confused with an “Official Candyman Crunch.”

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