OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT

Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee

Reviewed By: Kid Nougat Location: Vending Machine OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK: Stauffer's Ginger Snaps PRICE: $0.65 WEIGHT: 2 oz. DESCRIPTION OF SNACK: Eight uncomplicated ginger cookies, each with a diameter of 3.5 centimeters. The surface of each "snap" looks a bit like the moon, or a cracked sidewalk, or the elbows of a linen shirt that's been worn all day. SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10): 7.1 (They earn the extra tenth of a point because the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "gingersnap" as "a thin brittle molasses cookie flavored with ginger." They're not just a snack, they're an actual word!)

UPSIDE:

Each snap fits perfectly in your mouth. Absolutely positively perfectly. If your tongue's anything like mine, it measures roughly 4 to 5 centimeters across (in a relaxed state). You place a 3.5 snap on a 4.5 tongue, it's like pigs in a blanket, baby!

DOWNSIDE:

If you're snacking on snaps without a beverage - milk, specifically - it's pure torture. The Chinese have water torture, we've got snap torture.

1ST 4 INGREDIENTS:

Enriched Flour
Sugar
Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil
Molasses

LAST 4 INGREDIENTS:

Cinnamon
Cloves
Non Fat Dry Milk
Red Pepper ("Not enough red pepper" is a very sophisticated ginger snap complaint - use it wisely.)

PACKAGING:

First rate! The orange/brown bag has a very appealing, very old-fashioned design, and features a winking cartoon of some dude who looks like Charlie Chaplin. "Quality Since 1871" begs for respect. Just think: snaps may have been munched by the guy who assassinated President Garfield!

DO I RECOMMEND YOU TRY THIS YOURSELF? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):

Sure. It's a casual recommendation, though. Like, "You should date my cousin Ethel - she's got a great personality."

WHICH SOUTH PARK CHARACTER WOULD LIKE IT BEST?:

Starvin' Marvin. He needs to start slow. Anything stronger than ginger snaps may explode his colon.

How the product can be improved:

Every bag should contain one snap with multi-colored sprinkles. That way, 7 snaps are the meal and the last one's dessert!

 

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