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Wonka Bottle Caps
OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee
Reviewed By: Kid Nougat
Location: Dylan’s Candy Bar, 60th Street &
3rd Avenue, NYC
OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK:
DESCRIPTION OF SNACK:
SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10): 7
Image stolen from CandyDirect.com.
1ST 4 INGREDIENTS:
Malic Acid (perhaps named for Wendy Malick, the acidic former co-star of the sadly defunct “Just Shoot Me”)
LAST 4 INGREDIENTS:
Yellow 5 Lake
Yellow 6 Lake
Well, with its predominantly purple wrapping and banana-yellow “BOTTLE CAPS” jumpin’ out at you billboard-style, it’s certainly attention-getting. “The Soda Pop Candy” is knocked out in a white script on a green lozenge-like background – a nice touch.
Can’t quite make up my mind, though. Here’s the rub: there’s some red goop lining the bottom. Is the goop supposed to be soda? What the heck is it? It really bothers me. And I’m no Picasso, but even a dude like me knows you never mix red with purple. (Unless you’re a costume designer dressing the Sharks in “West Side Story.”)
A trio of demented-looking bottle cap creatures are floating off to the right – here’s where the packaging makes a HUGE comeback! I’m LOVIN’ those creatures! There’s a red one, an orange one, and a purple one. The purple one kicks ass! His tongue’s hanging out – he’s literally DYING for some snacks!
DO I RECOMMEND YOU TRY THIS YOURSELF? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):
I do give my full Kid Nougat recommendation, but only if you’re in the mood for something very sugary. If you’re one of those non-sugary types, steer clear.
CAN THESE CANDIES REALLY BE USED AS ACTUAL
Absolutely, providing you’re a stone cold imbecile.
HOW CAN THE PRODUCT BE IMPROVED:
Depending on your preference, each bottle cap should be hand-fed to you by a scantily clad Gisele Bundchen or a well-scrubbed Ashton Kutcher.
CAN WILLY WONKA KICK MY ASS?
Of course he can. What are you, an idiot? Mr. Wonka
kicks everyone’s ass. He’s super-smart, super-strong,
and unstoppable. Don’t ever ask me that again.
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