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Wonka Bottle Caps

OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee

Reviewed By: Kid Nougat Location: Dylan’s Candy Bar, 60th Street & 3rd Avenue, NYC (Listen up, fellow snackers! Next time you’re in the city, you GOTTA check this place out! Treats galore! They literally have EVERYTHING, including tons of childhood classics. For now, just check ‘em out at www.dylanscandybar.com. When you go in person, tell ‘em the Kid sent you. Thank me later.) OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK: Wonka Bottle Caps PRICE: $.35 WEIGHT: .51 oz. DESCRIPTION OF SNACK: Small, cute, chalky sugar pills designed (quite well) as miniature bottle caps. Each cap measures five-eighths of an inch in diameter. SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10):  7 UPSIDE: Cola-flavored bottle caps are delicious! COLA FLAVOR: you know it, you love it. You also get the bonus of some other nifty flavors, like cherry and orange. The more the merrier! DOWNSIDE: They’re childish. Extremely childish. Popping bottle caps in you mouth makes you look like a four-year-old. Sure, we all wanna look young, but come on. Four? Not cool. But don’t let that stop you. And anyway, why are you so concerned with how you look to others? So what if you look childish? Who cares? Enjoy yourself! And get the heck over yourself already – Jeeze!

Image stolen from CandyDirect.com.

1ST 4 INGREDIENTS:

Dextrose
Maltodextrin
Calcium Stearate
Malic Acid (perhaps named for Wendy Malick, the acidic former co-star of the sadly defunct “Just Shoot Me”)

LAST 4 INGREDIENTS:

Yellow 5
Yellow 5 Lake
Yellow 6
Yellow 6 Lake

PACKAGING:

Well, with its predominantly purple wrapping and banana-yellow “BOTTLE CAPS” jumpin’ out at you billboard-style, it’s certainly attention-getting. “The Soda Pop Candy” is knocked out in a white script on a green lozenge-like background – a nice touch.

Can’t quite make up my mind, though. Here’s the rub: there’s some red goop lining the bottom. Is the goop supposed to be soda? What the heck is it? It really bothers me. And I’m no Picasso, but even a dude like me knows you never mix red with purple. (Unless you’re a costume designer dressing the Sharks in “West Side Story.”)

A trio of demented-looking bottle cap creatures are floating off to the right – here’s where the packaging makes a HUGE comeback! I’m LOVIN’ those creatures! There’s a red one, an orange one, and a purple one. The purple one kicks ass! His tongue’s hanging out – he’s literally DYING for some snacks!

DO I RECOMMEND YOU TRY THIS YOURSELF? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):

I do give my full Kid Nougat recommendation, but only if you’re in the mood for something very sugary. If you’re one of those non-sugary types, steer clear.

CAN THESE CANDIES REALLY BE USED AS ACTUAL BOTTLE CAPS?

Absolutely, providing you’re a stone cold imbecile.

HOW CAN THE PRODUCT BE IMPROVED:

Depending on your preference, each bottle cap should be hand-fed to you by a scantily clad Gisele Bundchen or a well-scrubbed Ashton Kutcher.

CAN WILLY WONKA KICK MY ASS?

Of course he can. What are you, an idiot? Mr. Wonka kicks everyone’s ass. He’s super-smart, super-strong, and unstoppable. Don’t ever ask me that again.

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