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McCraw's Peanut Patty
OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee
Reviewed By: Paddy O'Poppycock
Location: Bought a patty from a random website.
OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK:
DESCRIPTION OF SNACK:
SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10): 3.3
Image borrowed from hometownfavorites.com
The joy of knowing that you are eating what has to be the most bizarre, assanine-shaped snack on the face of the planet. A snack that is practically glowing red, hard as a brick, and as pleasing to the eye as three-day-old roadkill during an Arizona summer drought. All this, and McCraw's felt it was necessary to wrap the snack in clear plastic.
When you're eating a Peanut Patty, you're part of a select group, my friend. Bask in it. Then call your doctor. (Or shrink.)
Seriously - who sat around and said, "If only there was a snack that tasted a little like a pile of melted, compacted Boston Baked Beans, but sold in the shape and consistency of a hockey puck?" Were Boston Baked Beans just too easy to eat?
And get this, McCraw's has been around since 1908. How? I can see a snack like the Peanut Patty being wildly popular during the Depression - it takes you forever to eat, is super sweet, and I believe you can actually shave your face with it if you scrub hard enough. But after the 1930s, how did this thing survive? As seldom as you see someone eating a 5th Avenue candy bar, you will NEVER see anyone walking around the mall nibbling on a Peanut Patty. (My guess is you will never see anyone nibbling on a Peanut Patty even in the McCraw's candy factory.) I bet we're exporting these to all those hungry kids in China that our moms always told us about when we didn't finish our vegetables. And those kids refuse to eat them, too.
The website hometownfavorites.com says of the Peanut Patty, "Try to eat a piece without smiling!" Impossible, I say! I saw this candy and couldn't stop laughing. Until I remembered I had to actually eat it for a WASAW review.
Clearly the wrong choice.
DO I RECOMMEND YOU TRY THIS YOURSELF? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):
No. Especially if you have poor dental insurance. Or the least bit of common sense.
HOW CAN THE PRODUCT BE IMPROVED:
How can it not be improved is the question.
COULD PEANUT PATTIES BE PUT TO MORE CONSTRUCTIVE USE?
Yes. As door jams, paper weights, table leg balancers, Star Jones' kidney stones, weapons to fight off sharks, or even fake vomit.
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