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OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee
Reviewed By: Candyman (first attempt), Paddy O' Poppycock (second attempt)
Location: Vending Machine
OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK:
DESCRIPTION OF SNACK:
Candyman: Fluffy nougat coated with sweet chocolate.
Paddy: Yes. Also, smaller and sweeter than I remember it being when I was 12.
NAME TO PRODUCT RELATIONSHIP:
Candyman: Three guys who saved the princess, but I don't know what that has to do with candy -- there's only two ingredients, anyway.
Paddy: There actually is an answer to this, but I'm too lazy to look it up right now. It's in Steve Almond's book Candyfreak : A Journey through the Chocolate Underbelly of America. An awesome book. I believe originally the 3Musketeers was going to include three flavors, but the plans changed - the name, though, did not.
SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10): 5.7 (Candyman); 6.4 (Paddy O')
Candyman: Light, sweet nougat has an airy, "sponge like" consistency before dissolving.
Paddy: Babies and really old people can eat this without teeth. Teens will love it for the super sweetness. Swashbucklers will point to it as the only candy bar that speaks to their vocation.
Candyman: This 3 Musketeers bar was stale.
Paddy: The "Fun" size is perfect for 3Musketeers, but the regular bar is just too much. Either bump up the amount of chocolate or, well, just bump up the amount of chocolate. No musketeer I know would actually eat this candy bar with it's wafer-think layer of chocolate topping. It's as if this candy was made for the Hello, Kitty foo-foo audience. I'm not buying it. Step up, 3Musketeers.
1ST 4 INGREDIENTS:
Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil
LAST 4 INGREDIENTS:
Vanillin an artificial flavor
Candyman: Bright shiny mirror-coating. An improvement over the white chalky coating from years ago. It used to come off in your hands and make them smell like plastic. Packaging reflects light nicely. If you're lost in the woods you can pull out your 3 Musketeers bar and signal planes, helicopters.
Paddy: Well said, Candyman. I've been known to hold a deer spellbound with the reflective 3Musketeers packaging, in fact. Not to mention a bus full of little fat kids.
DO I RECOMMEND YOU TRY THIS YOURSELF? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):
Candyman: Yes, but get a fresh bar.
Paddy: I got a fresh bar, and I'm still struggling with giving this the word-of-mouth okay. It's an okay snack, but it amazes me how such a wish-washy candy has become such a candy bar staple for so long.
WHICH SOUTH PARK CHARACTER WOULD LIKE IT BEST?:
Candyman: Mr. Garrison.Paddy: The aliens.
HOW CAN THE PRODUCT BE IMPROVED:
Candyman: We want only fresh candy bars! Due to unsatisfactory condition of snack, it must be reviewed again.
Paddy: Done. Reviewed. See my "downside" comments for my product improvement recommendations. In addition to those comments, perhaps 3Musketeers could market themselves as the candy bar "for the toothless amongst us."
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