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OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee
Reviewed By: Paddy O'Poppycock
Location: Target - Palisades Mall, Nyack, NY
OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK:
DESCRIPTION OF SNACK:
SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10): 4.7
UPSIDE: You can run around your house pretending you're Charlie Bucket in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, hoping to find a Golden Ticket inside...
DOWNSIDE: ...but once you open the wrapper, you realize you're stuck with an oversized candy bar that even a starving kid living during the Depression who has to share his shack of a house with his mom and two sets of grandparents - who all sleep in the same bed - wouldn't dream of eating.
Or, put another way, if Stalin could have made a cheap chocolate bar out of crushed chalk and brown food dye to feed to the 8 top Red Army commanders he had executed, this would be that candy bar.
It's working overtime. If I were a seven-year-old kid with a low IQ who was longing for a snack like the one in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I would be attracted to the colors and images Nestle has put on this wrapper. And if I were a 34-year-old adult who longs for physical reminders of his youth (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory), I would be attracted to this wrapper because of its name and the memories it brings back. In both cases, once I got past the wrapper and took my first bite, I would simply long for the toilet.
DO YOU RECOMMEND THIS SNACK? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):
No. And I'm going to guess that if you do try a Wonka Bar and like it, Gene Wilder will personally stop by your house and slap you upside the head.
(Update: This snack review was originally written in 2005. Upon the request of many WASAW readers, I went back and tried the Wonka bar again. I found it to be not as bad, somewhat fresher tasting. Originally, I gave this snack a 3.5 rating. I have since upped it to a 4.7. That said, I still don't feel the quality of the candy bar lives up to the hype from the book and movie. If ever there were high expectations for a candy bar, it would be the Wonka bar. And yet, it falls well short of even being average. Many readers have expressed their love for this product, though, and so while I do not personally recommend it, you probably do owe it to yourself to find out how you feel.)
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE REMAKE OF WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY?
The original movie was perfect as is, and while the Tim Burton version was decent, it felt rather hollow. (And what was up with Johnny Depp's outfits? See my Take 5 review - the packaging comments.) That said, I welcome the idea of someone remaking the Wonka Bar. Anyone. You, your mailman, even one of the Baldwin brothers.
HAVE YOU EVER MET PETER OSTRUM, THE CHILD ACTOR WHO PLAYED CHARLIE BUCKET IN WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY?
No, but while working at a summer camp in 1990, a fellow camp counselor told me that Peter had been his babysitter growing up. I became jealous - the most famous babysitter I ever had was a guy who had a cool accent because he was French-Canadian.
WHAT DOES PETER OSTRUM LOOK LIKE TODAY, I WONDER?
Wonder no more... here's a photo of Peter as Charlie Bucket in WWATCF, and a semi-recent (well, er, from 2000) photo of Peter, who last we heard is now a veterinarian. (Fun fact: The cat in Peter's arms would actually taste better than the Wonka Bar.)
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