WASAW Holiday Special:
A Nougatesque Halloween
by Kid Nougat
Aaah yeah, boyee! It's Halloween time! Time for werewolves and jack-o-lanterns and hurling eggs at defenseless old people! And best of all, it's time for FREE SNACKS!
NICE!
Much to my surprise, my Nude Knife-Wielding Screaming Psycho costume was not a hit last year. (For those unfamiliar with the costume, I screamed, wielded a knife, acted psychotic, and was nude.) This year, I've decided to dress as a Chubby Midget Witch. (See photo.) I expect a better reception.
Seriously, what beats Halloween? As a snack enthusiast, NOTHING, that's what! Just for knocking on their mortgaged doors, middle class suckers are obligated by law to give you tasty treats. USA, baby! Don't even TRY to beat us!
Alright, let's get to it. Here's my 3-step guide to a Nougatesque Halloween:
STEP ONE:
No Eye Contact? No Candy.
I've had quite enough of these shy three-year-olds not even bothering to look up at me while requesting candy. You want the goods? Then look me in the eye and ask! Don't just mutely hold your bag open! Now get your rude Spider-Man-wearing ass outta here!
STEP TWO:
Pretend To Die
Trust me, this is really funny. At your Halloween party, just say, "Yo, I don't feel so hot," then fall down and don't move. Later, stand up and proclaim, "Halloween hijinx, anyone?" Then soak up the high-fives.
STEP THREE:
Repeat Step Two.
Trust me, it's REALLY funny!
Okay, enough with the reading! Stock up on treats and enjoy the season!