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Marshmallow Peeps

OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee

Reviewed By: Kid Nougat Location: CVS, 24th Street and 8th Avenue, NYC OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK: Marshmallow Peeps PRICE: $0.55 WEIGHT: 1.5 oz. DESCRIPTION OF SNACK: Five frightened-looking chickadees pretending to be tasty marshmallow treats. They're typically yellow on the outside, but you can also get 'em in blue, pink, purple and white. (They're available in the shape of bunnies, too.) I feel bad for Peeps. They look genuinely upset. Wouldn't you be? They're all huddled together, waiting to be eaten by vicious children. What a terrible life! SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10):  5 (See, 10 is for the greatest snack in the world, and zero's for the worst snack in the world. I put Peeps smack dab in the middle.) UPSIDE: You can't deny it - Peeps carry a hefty amount of traditional coolness. An Easter Basket without Peeps? Are you hebetudinous? And nothing says SPRINGTIME like those teeny-tiny rows of yellow cuties. (Screw daisies, plant Peeps!) DOWNSIDE: If you don't eat your Peeps right away, there's a good chance you'll look at them the next day and say, “What the heck was I thinking? Why did I get Peeps? Am I nuts? Peeps? What am I, three years old? Friggin' Peeps? I feel like something chocolate and I'm stuck with friggin' PEEPS!” They're really weird like that. I always feel a strong impulse to buy them, but when I do, I'm like, “Huh?” (Am I making sense? Do you know what I mean? This is kinda hard to describe. Oh, and as a side downside, there's not much flavor distinction between colors. They all taste pretty much the same.)

Image borrowed from bewarethecheese.com Buy some 1ST 4 INGREDIENTS: Sugar Corn syrup Gelatin Riboflavin   LAST 4 INGREDIENTS: High fructose corn syrup Artificial color Dried egg whites Yellow 5

PACKAGING:

The Peeps sell themselves, so Just Born, Inc. - the Bethlehem, Pennsylvania-based company that creates them - takes savvy advantage by packaging them in clearly-wrapped cradles. Whether you buy a 5-, 10-, or 15-pack, you'll always see what you're getting. In other words, you're hypnotized by their cuteness and your childhood memories. Regardless of the color you choose, “Peeps” is always written in purple. Hmmm…  Is Barney somehow involved? Is Barney pocketing Peeps profits? (Listen up, you extinct fruitcake - your “I love you, you love me” routine ain't foolin' ME, be-otch!)

DO YOU RECOMMEND THIS SNACK? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):

I guess I do. And I recommend you try them in two different ways. Some people prefer their Peeps fresh. Some like 'em stale. I fall on the fresh side of the debate. Conduct an experiment and pick a side! Get off your lazy ass! Stand up for something for once in your life!

DID AN EMAIL FROM A “CERTIFIABLE LAME-O” NAMED LAURA EWALD PROMPT THIS REVIEW?

Indeed. As you know, I get about 50 fan letters a minute, so even with the aid of sexbomb Roxanne (my personal assistant), it's hard to read them all.  Laura's email caught my eye because instead of complimenting my sheer greatness (which everyone does - I'm so sick of it), she instead wondered whether any Easter-themed snack reports were on the horizon. (She even went so far as to offer a mini-review of Peeps:
“Blech.”)

So even though the guys and I haven't done anything formal regarding an Easter theme, we'd still like to wish y'all a Happy Easter and a Happy Spring. Especially YOU, Laura! (Well… all of us except Figaroo. He's a witless Jehovah's Witness.)

IS THE NAME OF THIS SNACK A TERM OF ENDEARMENT?

In my world it is. Check it - I'm a busy dude. I'm a free-wheelin' high-powered snack-reviewin' superman.  When I ain't got time for something, I say, “Yo, just run it by my Peeps. I'll get back with you later.”

SPEAKING OF “TERMS OF ENDEARMENT,” DID YOU LIKE THAT MOVIE?

I sure did, and so did the Academy, which gave it the 1983 Oscar for Best Picture. As “Flap,” Jeff Daniels has never been more punchable. (To my knowledge, no one in the film eats a Peep.)
 

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