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OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee
Reviewed By: Kid Nougat
OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK:
DESCRIPTION OF SNACK:
(SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10):
Image borrowed from bewarethecheese.com
1ST 4 INGREDIENTS:
LAST 4 INGREDIENTS:
The Peeps sell themselves, so Just Born, Inc.
- the Bethlehem, Pennsylvania-based company that creates them - takes savvy
advantage by packaging them in clearly-wrapped cradles. Whether you buy a 5-, 10-,
or 15-pack, you'll always see what you're getting. In other words, you're
hypnotized by their cuteness and your childhood memories. Regardless of the
color you choose, “Peeps” is always written in purple. Hmmm… Is Barney
somehow involved? Is Barney pocketing Peeps profits? (Listen up, you extinct
fruitcake - your “I love you, you love me” routine ain't foolin' ME, be-otch!)
DO YOU RECOMMEND THIS SNACK? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):
I guess I do. And I recommend you try them in two different ways. Some people prefer their Peeps fresh. Some like 'em stale. I fall on the fresh side of the debate. Conduct an experiment and pick a side! Get off your lazy ass! Stand up for something for once in your life!
DID AN EMAIL FROM A “CERTIFIABLE LAME-O” NAMED LAURA EWALD PROMPT THIS REVIEW?
Indeed. As you know, I get about 50 fan letters a minute, so even with the aid of sexbomb Roxanne (my personal assistant), it's hard to read them all. Laura's email caught my eye because instead of complimenting my sheer greatness (which everyone does - I'm so sick of it), she instead wondered whether any Easter-themed snack reports were on the horizon. (She even went so far as to offer a mini-review of Peeps:
So even though the guys and I haven't done anything formal regarding an Easter theme, we'd still like to wish y'all a Happy Easter and a Happy Spring. Especially YOU, Laura! (Well… all of us except Figaroo. He's a witless Jehovah's Witness.)
IS THE NAME OF THIS SNACK A TERM OF ENDEARMENT?
In my world it is. Check it - I'm a busy dude. I'm a free-wheelin' high-powered snack-reviewin' superman. When I ain't got time for something, I say, “Yo, just run it by my Peeps. I'll get back with you later.”
SPEAKING OF “TERMS OF ENDEARMENT,” DID YOU LIKE THAT MOVIE?
I sure did, and so did the Academy, which gave it the 1983 Oscar for Best Picture. As “Flap,” Jeff Daniels has never been more punchable. (To my knowledge, no one in the film eats a Peep.)
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