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OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW
Office vending machine, Stamford,
OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK:
Keebler Wheatables: Honey Wheat
WEIGHT: 1.5 oz.
DESCRIPTION OF SNACK:
Baked, honey-flavored wheat crackers
(roughly an inch by an inch-and-a-half) with the personality of Jim Carrey's
character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. (Only a spotless mind can
enjoy a snack this bland. I'm trying to erase the experience from my memory.)
The bag says they're “baked with stone-ground wheat.” If you're impressed by
that, please send me your address so I can stop by your home and slap you.
(SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10):
(I'd never insult the number 3 by giving such a snoozer a full 3 points.
NEVER! 3 and me go WAY back - know what I'm sayin', ladies?)
Upside? Let me see. Uh… well… I
guess there's nothing offensive about this snack. It's not overly bad, like…
say… a poop sandwich. The mild honey
flavor saves it from complete nothingness. If you happen to have a block of
cheddar cheese handy, you can slice it up and add the Wheatables for some
major league crunchmaster flex. Not a bad way to kill a meeting.
These lame-os are the latest in a tradition
of worthless snacks that REALLY clump up and stick to your teeth. No water
nearby? You're screwed. Karina
from sales came by to ask me a question - I accidentally spit wet crumbs on
her when I smoothly replied, “Huh?” (Not good for my studly image. Or
her cashmere sweater for that matter.)
Kid Nougat consumed a bag of Wheatables,
not a box
as is depicted above. But Kid Nougat apparently threw out
the bag in disgust before getting a scan of it. Don't blame him.
Blame the damn elves who were apparently busy playing
Canasta when baking up this snack.
1ST 4 INGREDIENTS:
LAST 4 INGREDIENTS:
High fructose corn syrup
Perhaps overly determined to compensate for
its forgettable flavor, Wheatables decides to pull a serious 180 and kick some
big-time packaging butt! We're talking sunny yellow happiness with an orange
fringe, and “Wheatables” in a soothing blue font. The bag's a guaranteed cure
DO YOU RECOMMEND THIS SNACK? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):
Like I said before, NO, unless you've
got that block of cheddar handy. Instead, keep yourself happy and grab
something chocolate. Like Halle Berry.
WERE YOU INVOLVED IN THE PLOT TO KIDNAP
DOES A SERVING OF THIS SNACK CONTAIN THREE
GRAMS OF MONOUNSATURATED FAT?
DO YOU WATCH
Are you retarded?
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