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Keebler Wheatables

OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee

Reviewed By: Kid Nougat Location: Office vending machine, Stamford, Connecticut OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK: Keebler Wheatables: Honey Wheat PRICE: $0.55 WEIGHT: 1.5 oz. DESCRIPTION OF SNACK: Baked, honey-flavored wheat crackers (roughly an inch by an inch-and-a-half) with the personality of Jim Carrey's character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. (Only a spotless mind can enjoy a snack this bland. I'm trying to erase the experience from my memory.) The bag says they're “baked with stone-ground wheat.” If you're impressed by that, please send me your address so I can stop by your home and slap you. SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10):  2.9 (I'd never insult the number 3 by giving such a snoozer a full 3 points. NEVER! 3 and me go WAY back - know what I'm sayin', ladies?) UPSIDE: Upside? Let me see. Uh… well… I guess there's nothing offensive about this snack. It's not overly bad, like… say… a poop sandwich. The mild honey flavor saves it from complete nothingness. If you happen to have a block of cheddar cheese handy, you can slice it up and add the Wheatables for some major league crunchmaster flex. Not a bad way to kill a meeting. DOWNSIDE: These lame-os are the latest in a tradition of worthless snacks that REALLY clump up and stick to your teeth. No water nearby? You're screwed. Karina from sales came by to ask me a question - I accidentally spit wet crumbs on her when I smoothly replied, “Huh?” (Not good for my studly image. Or her cashmere sweater for that matter.)

Kid Nougat consumed a bag of Wheatables, not a box as is depicted above. But Kid Nougat apparently threw out the bag in disgust before getting a scan of it. Don't blame him. Blame the damn elves who were apparently busy playing Canasta when baking up this snack.   1ST 4 INGREDIENTS: Wheat flour Niacin Reduced iron Riboflavin   LAST 4 INGREDIENTS: High fructose corn syrup Salt Malt extract Caramel color

PACKAGING:

Perhaps overly determined to compensate for its forgettable flavor, Wheatables decides to pull a serious 180 and kick some big-time packaging butt! We're talking sunny yellow happiness with an orange fringe, and “Wheatables” in a soothing blue font. The bag's a guaranteed cure for depression.

DO YOU RECOMMEND THIS SNACK? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):

Like I said before, NO, unless you've got that block of cheddar handy. Instead, keep yourself happy and grab something chocolate. Like Halle Berry.

WERE YOU INVOLVED IN THE PLOT TO KIDNAP HARRY LETTERMAN?

No comment.

DOES A SERVING OF THIS SNACK CONTAIN THREE GRAMS OF MONOUNSATURATED FAT?

Yes.

DO YOU WATCH FAT ACTRESS?

Are you retarded?
 

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