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Cadbury Mini Eggs
OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee
Reviewed By: Paddy O'Poppycock
Location: Stop & Shop; Yonkers, NY
OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK: Cadbury Mini Eggs
Price: It shouldn't matter. Perfection has no price.
DESCRIPTION OF SNACK:
SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10): 9.9
I don't remember exactly where I was the first time I had Cadbury Mini Eggs, but I remember the sensation I felt the moment I bit through the candy shell. It was as if I'd tasted chocolate for the first time, that all previous chocolate was just preparing me for these mini-eggs. I wouldn't realize just how great these oval nuggets of nirvana really were until years later when I first partook in lovemaking. Or as I called it at the time, "The physical act of two people nearly replicating the pleasure of eating a Cadbury Mini Egg."
The candy shell kicks things off right. It not only resembles a real egg shell in consistency and appearance, its sweetness makes you realize why God didn't make real egg shells out of sugar. (Because even if birds had made it to Noah's Ark without becoming extinct, there's no way Noah and family could have kept away from those shells during the flood.)
If the mini egg has the Rolls Royce of candy shells, your standard M&M candy shell is the gas station attendant begging for a look under the hood. And what's under the hood is even more enviable than the shell. A Cadbury milk chocolate that's semi-rich, super sweet, and highly addictive. In fact, and I'm not lying here, hospitals ween Cadbury mini-egg addicts off the delicious candy by substituting look-alike mini-eggs filled with crack cocaine and laced with LSD. No, it's true. I read it in some medical journal or maybe on someone's My Space page.
A 9.9 candy should, by definition, have no real downside. But the Cadbury Mini Egg has two.
Downside #1: This treat is only available for a short period of time each year. These egglets just magically appear every February and then disappear about half-an-hour after Easter ends. While one might think this scarcity is what makes Mini Eggs so sought-after and seemingly perfect in every way, I would counter with, "Shut your face up."
Let me explain in more detail. I may only have another 30 or 40 years to live. Sure, that's a lot of time for Mini Egg enjoying, but consider this... I'm Catholic. And Mini-Eggs are typically only made available during Lent. Which means for many children who are told "to give something up you desire most" every Lent as a symbol of Jesus' suffering, I was made to go without these fine treats throughout most of my childhood. It was not until I proposed to my parents at age 15 that I instead give up all my dirty thoughts about the next door neighbors' babysitter that I was allowed to indulge on Mini Eggs every spring for 40 days and 40 nights.
It wasn't - and still isn't - enough.
Downside #2: All that bitching and moaning in Downside #1? Um, forget I said anything. You see, I can't stop eating Mini Eggs. Which is downside number two. I am sitting here writing this review with one hand on the keyboard and other jammed into a 12 oz Mini Egg bag. Help me, someone. Congress, please open an investigation into the addictive nature of these Mini Eggs. Could Great Britain be slowly preparing to take back our country by subjecting us to such wonderous chocolate goodness, and then one year - maybe next! - suddenly cutting off our supply unless we given in to their demands? Stop laughing - I'm so very, very serious here. And I'm fairly certain the Easter Bunny is in on this, too.
The classic purple bag screams, "Eat me, I'm addictive!" The clip-art flowers are just there to throw parents off and make them think this candy is safe for kids.
DO YOU RECOMMEND THIS SNACK? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):
Yes, but you must buy these from me. The first bag is free. If you want more, we'll do business.
I once stitched together 128 Mini Egg bags into a pup tent so that I could smell the chocolate during the summer months while camping. This happened to coincide with my only outdoors experience witnessing a hungry black bear wrestle two very large girl scouts for licking dibs on my tent.
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