WASAW Challenge:
Good & Plenty vs.
Hot Tamales
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Kid Nougat takes on the challenge
posed by WASAW reader, Lisa Berger,
asking us to compare the two snacks pictured above, head-to-head.
TO: Lisa Berger
FR: Kid Nougat
RE: Good & Plenty vs. Hot Tamales
DA: April Fools Day, 1999
Dear Lisa,
Greetings from the Bronx! My esteemed colleague, one Paddy O'Poppycock, informed me of your dilemma. On behalf of the members of WASAW, I'd like to thank you for your request, and I sincerely hope you find my results (regarding Good & Plenty vs. Hot Tamales) to your liking.
Earlier this evening, while checking out the new Keanu Reeves flick (The Matrix*), I was simultaneously munching each snack. Right off the bat, let me just say that ordering Hot Tamales is much more fun than ordering Good & Plenty. Ordinarily, you'd purchase them from a vending machine (or in a store) and there'd be no need to say the names out loud. Just for fun, say, "Gimme some Hot Tamales, and step on it!" You'll know the kind of fun I'm talking about. "Gimme some Good & Plenty" - that's got no pizzazz. Good & Plenty? It's like Indian talk for "wheat" or something.
Both candies are advertised as "chewy." Tamales are "chewy cinnamon flavored candies;" the Goods are "soft & chewy licorice candy." This is pure baloney on both counts. Trust me - I know chewy. I'm Kid Nougat for crying out loud! Nothing's chewier than nougat! The sad fact that these products are trying to pass themselves off as "chewy" is an offense to my nom de plume! Bite into either one - and they break in half! That's not chewy! That's... Well, I'm not sure what that is exactly, BUT IT'S NOT CHEWY!
Both candies are shaped like sinus pills. What's up with that? Am I snacking, or decongesting? The Tamales in particular remind me of some kind of delicious medicine, like your favorite cough syrup when you were a kid. They blast your throat, light up your head and make your eyes water - those babies pack a punch! Good & Plenty? That's still just Indian talk for "wheat" or something.
Comparing these two snacks is like comparing Cate Blanchett's performance in "Elizabeth" to John Elway's performance in Super Bowl XXXIII. They're both great performances, but how can you fairly compare them? How can you truly say that one's better than the other? By switching them, that's how! By placing each person in the other's shoes and rating each individual's versatility! In this way, we make serious progress - progress that can be applied to snacking, and to the matter at hand. So, let's see... Who would fare better? John Elway playing the Queen, or Cate Blanchett directing the Bronco offense?
Stay with me, Lisa. This "switch" logic is not tomfoolery. It's to make a point. Let's create a snacking situation and switch the candies and see how they fare. Let's see how well one fills in for the other. Pretend you're somewhere in Houston and you just finished building a birdhouse. You want to reward yourself with a snack. You're really in the mood for Hot Tamales, but the only available snack is Good & Plenty. Will Good & Plenty satisfy your Tamale craving?
ABSOLUTELY NOT! NO WAY, NO HOW!
But if the situation were reversed - if you were really in the mood for Good & Plenty and the only available snack was Hot Tamales - I won't hesitate in saying that the Tamales would easily fill in for the Goods and satisfy that particular craving. That's why - despite the fact that I can eat an entire box of Good & Plenty vs. 11 (maybe 12) Tamales in one sitting - I have to state the following for the record:
HOT TAMALES KICK GOOD & PLENTY'S ASS!
In the end, it's versatility that gives you the edge. Any snack's ability to fill in for an unavailable counterpart is crucial to its overall rating. Good & Plenty? Fine. Tamales? A bit finer. Thus concludes the first** WASAW comparison report.
(Regarding the "Elway vs. Blanchett" thing: my guess is Blanchett. Think about it. If her arm is terrible, she can keep handing off to her running backs. Yeah, Elway wearing a wig looks more like the real Elizabeth, but those Chunky Soup commercials - I mean, come on!)
LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
For the purposes of argument and/or to prove victory in matters of wagering, any person(s) with access to this comparison report (Good & Plenty vs. Hot Tamales, 4/1/99) may state for the record that "Kid Nougat, Master of Heade to Heade Snacke Testinge,*** does hearby affirm that Hot Tamales are superior to Good & Plenty." Let it be known that Kid Nougat is 20% of WASAW, and in so being, cannot claim his sole opinion as representative of the group. No purchase necessary for access to snacking comparison(s).* Cyberthriller where the modern world is a computer-created illusion and real life is actually 200 years in the future - check it out!
** Commissioned by Lisa Berger, 29 March 1999.
*** Title legally bestowed by Candyman, 30 March 1999.