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OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee

Reviewed By: Kid Nougat Location: Exxon gas station, 10th Avenue & 23rd Street, NYC OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK: Vienna Fingers PRICE: $0.99 WEIGHT: 2 oz. DESCRIPTION OF SNACK: Four oversized tongue depressors fastened together with some Elmer’s glue that’s supposed to pass for crème. Are they kidding me? (Seriously, are they kidding me?) I figured I’d try something new, something other than chocolate for a change. Next time I get a thought like that, trust me, I’m gonna' punch myself. Oh yeah, and where’s the thumb? You’ve got four fingers with no thumb! What is this, The Pope of Greenwich Village? “THEY TOOK MY THUMB, CHARLIE!” SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10): 3 UPSIDE: I suppose they’re classy. That’s kind of why I tried them. I figured, hey, I’ll eat a classy snack and write a classy review. (One out of two ain’t bad.) If you’re image-conscious, Vienna Fingers give you that unpretentious edge most pretentious people are looking for. And maybe they’re the kind of cookies that settle your stomach when you’re sick. I’m not sure. DOWNSIDE: They don’t taste good. They’re too plain. (Uh, did my grand-mommy just hijack my snack box?) What’s up with their “who cares” attempt at flavor? This is a Keebler product for cryin’ out loud! They SHOULD care! Those slacking elves better pray they don’t see ME in a dark alley!

Image stolen from ATI   1ST 4 INGREDIENTS: Enriched flour Sugar Partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil High fructose corn syrup (Have you ever seen LOW fructose corn syrup?)   LAST 4 INGREDIENTS: Dextrose Monocalcium phosphate Salt Baking soda

PACKAGING:

Red. That’s pretty much all there is to say about it. “Vienna Fingers” is knocked out in white (in a nice font). Cute little Keebler logo in the corner. Talk about phoning it in! Hey Vienna Fingers, the box just called - it wants you to think outside of it!

DO YOU RECOMMEND THIS SNACK? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):

Well, if you’re Catholic, this could be a cool substitute for the blessed wafers. Just a suggestion.

WASN’T THIS SNACK THE 1974 WORLD SERIES MVP WITH THE OAKLAND A’S ?

Close. That was ROLLIE Fingers, not Vienna. Rollie, a kick-ass reliever with a kick-ass handlebar moustache, would often enter a game as early as the fifth inning! He’d throw as many as 130 innings in a season. Take THAT, Mariano Rivera!

WHY VIENNA? WHAT’S THE CONNECTION?

I’m not sure. A woman from Vienna once gave me the finger, which was rude. That’s the best connection I’ve got. (For actual research, including charts and graphs, contact Figaroo.)

WHY DID BRITNEY SPEARS GET MARRIED AGAIN?

Because Kevin Federline is a smooth dude in a loose mood. (So? Let’s hear YOU answer that question.)
 

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