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Nabisco Swiss Crème Sandwich Cookies

OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee

Reviewed By: Kid Nougat Location: Office vending machine, Stamford, Connecticut OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK: Nabisco Swiss Crème Sandwich Cookies PRICE: $0.75 WEIGHT: 1.8 oz. DESCRIPTION OF SNACK: Smallish, circular Lorna Doone-style vanilla cookies, with the built-in charm and cuteness of all things miniature. Each mini-cookie measures 1.5 inches in diameter, and each has a hypnotic "quad-swirl" goin’ on. By "quad-swirl," I mean exactly that – four swirls joined at the corners, creating a diamond-like effect in each cookie’s middle, creating an evil eye in the middle of each diamond that wears you down and convinces you to give a good review despite your inherently critical nature. (I’m not nuts. You gotta' see the cookie to know what I’m yappin’ ‘bout.) SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10):  7.25 (A passing grade, plus a quarter of a point to boot!) UPSIDE: With each package, you score an amazingly generous 6 cookies for a mere 75 cents! Sure, the cookies aren’t much bigger than silver dollars, but still, that comes out to just twelve and a half cents per cookie!  When’s the last time you had a tasty cookie for only twelve and a half cents? TOMORROW, that’s when! Run out and get yourself a pack and enjoy ‘em at lunchtime! DOWNSIDE: Okay, let’s get real for a second. Great snacks are the kind of snacks you can’t wait to eat. I’ll be honest with you – you CAN wait to eat these babies.  No big deal. If you’ve got ‘em, you’ll enjoy ‘em, but it’s a mild kind of enjoyment, like getting a seat on the bus. You’re never PSYCHED you got a seat on the bus, but you’re happy nonetheless. (Sweet! This fulfills my resolution to use the word “nonetheless” in a “Downside” report!)

Image stolen from foodservicedirect.com   1ST 4 INGREDIENTS: Wheat flour Niacin Reduced iron Riboflavin   LAST 4 INGREDIENTS: Cornstarch Salt Soy Lecithin Vanillin

PACKAGING:

Festively red, very holiday-ish. (Would pair nicely with spearmint Tic-Tacs; the green ones – visually, that is.) I like it. The package I sampled actually featured a modernized version of the red design – cooler font treatments, shinier paper, wavy background pattern, etc. – than what’s pictured above. They’re both fine. It’s hard to go wrong with red. (Okay, Santa overdoes it, but he’s a fictional fat flat-leaver.)

DO YOU RECOMMEND THIS SNACK? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):

I certainly do. Screw that Lorna Doone monopoly on unexciting cookies! Stick it to the Man and have some Nabisco Swiss Crème Sandwich Homeboys!

CAN YOU RECOMMEND ANYTHING ELSE THAT’S SWISS?

Certainly. I like Swiss cheese and the Swiss Alps, and of course Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa, and then there’s Bern City, Switzerland's capital, and French actress Nastassja Kinski, who’s got a home in Fribourg, and even though she’s not really Swiss-

OKAY, CAN YOU STOP NOW?

Oops. Sorry.

IS THIS SNACK NO LONGER IN PRODUCTION?

This is a tough one to answer. See, I’ve read they’ve been discontinued (and I’m writing this in January of 2005), but then they keep turning up in my office snack machine! What the hell am I supposed to believe? Some dumb article, or my very own senses of sight, smell, touch and taste? Or maybe I’m hallucinating. Maybe I’m nuts. OH DEAR LORD SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

 

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